Hello we meet again,
It's been long time since i come here.
How are you?
I'm sorry for locking you here but i have to do it
i know you're bored sitting in that tiny cage for so long
i can see that you're drying up, turning cold and hard
isnt it better that way?
no one can hurt you anymore.
so long, till i make the next visit again.

it's nearly one year. i guess all have to settle down some time or another. there's no turning back from now on. it's kind of mixed feelings. funny that when you're wanted, you don't feel like you want the person and when the opposite happens, it's vice versa. stupid brain right? chose this road, got to stay on the road. it's not all that bad. sometimes it hurts there and here but we'll all survive. life goes on. got to admit, you gives the best love, care and attention one could ask for. for me, at least, so far. sometimes i wish a truck would hit me and i would get amnesia and live for the time being. meaning, selective amnesia, i would like to keep all my intellectual stuff and forgot other troubled memories.

i realised this blog is like nearly all about you, with exceptions to the earlier entries. a space for me to pour out emotional stuff. maybe when one day i finally forget everything, these entries will stop. you gave me too much to yearn for. i yearn for close relationship which you cant provide so that's where we are right now. it's for the best, i always feel you deserve better than just an attention seeking girl.

it's christmas time. it's one year already, more or less. it's hard to forget all. i wanted to ask, are you back here? but i dare not have the courage.

i have to admit, i kinda miss you at times, though i dont give much thought about it, just when i'm alone, the thoughts would flow back like torrents. oh why.

what do i do?

for a fleeting thought, i thought of packing my bag and going back to my ex. but i cant imagine breaking up with my current one. what do i do?

half a year

it's been half a year now. sometimes i still wonder if i made the right choice. sometimes i wonder what would  happen if the other way had happened.

here i am

here i am again. in the middle of the waking night. it's been over a month now. i am so afraid to indulge into this feeling of loss. my brain refuses to let me think about it, the defensive system kicks in quite effectively enough. life's been good for me, it always does. and when it offers something good, i just dont know how to appreciate it.

silence. i dont know how's life treating you. i heard you are back to the path of God. that's good to hear, at the very least, i am returning you to your God, really, sometimes that's how i feel. i am sorry not being able to walk with you to the path of God. He sure has better plans for you.

How are you? it's a rhetorical question. you dropped me a message, from there i know you are still mad. how could i move on so easily, you might wonder. i guess i am born this way. despite that, the pieces are still haunting me, every bit of the memories floating everywhere i went. i have wasted two years of your life, i could never return it back, it's a debt to you i have to carry, an unrepayable debt. please forgive me. 

"people treat you so good, why you duwan him...."

i was asked this question countless of times, be it friends or family, and even myself. why, i often wonder. different mood gives me different answer. sometimes, i just want a new experience with somebody i like. else, i am bored with long distance relationship. but most of the time, i think it's because i entered into this relationship with the thinking that being loved is better than to love. love isnt equal i know, but in this case, it's too unequal. the love he has for me is overbearing compared to what i can give. i thought love can be cultured, but then again, love can diminish too, at a faster rate.

the time for me to give my final answer is getting nearer. once decided, i could never turn back, maybe i will never meet a guy like him anymore. logic thinking, i would regret my decision to break up ever. i would never have to worry about family, financial or love security if i go back to him. it is like all nicely arranged. but then again, i wanted to experience something new, something that i want. as i grow old, i would come to regret my decision, or maybe i will be thankful, i cant know for sure. in any way, i hope i can make the best out of the situation.

i am one hell of a stubborn girl. 

i threw away my true love to pursuit a short meaningless fun. some days i thought about it, some days i don't. often, i try not to regret my decision. but when i'm not most aware, the sharp pang of longing struck my heart. why did i kick him out of my heart? he was unaware of my turmoil. it's so unfair to him. i didnt even give him a chance to repair the gap between us. i had walked too far from the boundaries that separate us. i fell into the charms of another man easily. once i wandered off, it's hard to turn back. i decided to let go of the past. looking back, sometimes, i want to go back. but it's not possible. i hurted him too much. i hurt everyone in the process. i put my selfish want ahead of everything else. i want to enjoy the short fun, it's too hard to stop now. but sometimes, i wish i didnt do it, i wish i didnt stray at the first place. day by day gone without you by me, the hole that i had not noticed before gets bigger and bigger. i dont know how you felt, it must had felt thousand times worse. but you'll cope, i know, somehow you will. i wish that if fate puts us together again, you can accept me. but the words you utter to me last, that we will never be together again, brings me back crushing to reality. if only i stay strong enough at the first place.

everyday i feel i'm losing hold of something important. i'm fighting so hard to lose all the temptations. i am a person who falls easily. one by one they come and go. without your presence here, its even harder for me to fight alone. i held on those fragments of memories, reliving each moment of tears and joy. you made me realise how much life can offer. i do not want to lose you. please make me stay strong.

why is it that i feel like you're always kicking me out of the conversation?

dear diary,

its been long since i last pour my heart to you, something that i havent done in awhile. words seem hard to be expressed nowadays, i guess my vocabulary had dwindled to an elementary level since silence has taken control over me. i was about to start writing when a bomb exploded a couple of feet from my base. it was chaos but that was nothing new. i heard some cries as some fragments found their mark on the unfortunate ones. i was lucky to be underground in my dinghy office that time. i must move on for now; just when i found some time to write, they decided to drop some bombs. hope to see you soon.

putting the last hint of make up on her face
she strut out with confidence
to the party she is going
where to be the center of attraction
is her aim for tonight

sashaying her way into the room
she could feel secret glances at her way
to be the dream girl of every man
but at the same time acting coy
could she balance between the attraction?

bending down a little
a little cleavage is revealed
one wild pair of eyes looked down
"would you like a drink?"
she smiled at her prey 

looking at all those pretty pictures online sometimes stress you out.
they had the most perfect faces ever, if not, near perfect,
that never fails to make you drool with jealousy and envy
and as you stare and stare to nitpick their flaws
slowly you come to realise about yourself

let me see what i do not have which makes other pretty,
in the order of the most annoying first
1. fair skin
2. sharp cheekbones
3. hairless skin
4. flat stomach
5. spec-less eyes

erm yea :/
now that does sound depressing
i should list what i have that makes me pretty now :D
or should i say, something that invoke the jealousy of others ? :p
1. straight and thick hair (a blessing in disguise?)
2. ability to eat without gaining much weight
3. double eyelid
4. nice fingernails
5. brain (if that's counted as pretty :p)

this sounds so much like a product commercial now
oh yeah. :p
end of rambling

i dreamt of my ex last night
i wanted him to hold me
which he did, and somehow it felt good,
putting his hands on my shoulders to my back
gently he told me that
we could not be together again
 
being consciously awake, i dont think about him
and we dont even keep in contact anymore
in fact, i never talk once with any of my exes
after those big break up incidents
i wonder how people can be friends again
without reigniting the old flames?

whereas in the realms of the dreams
i wanted him to come back
how do i get away from this guiltiness
that surrounds me every time i wake up
surely the mind runs while if its kept unoccupied

but dont take me wrong
the will for the current relationship stays strong
even though if its separated by distance
i wouldnt want to lose him
though feelings might be stretched thin sometimes
i hope it will bounce back to how i felt before

i looked into the mirror
while asking myself
do i still know how to dance?
i lifted up my hand
i lifted up my leg
somehow they felt awkward
i twirled a round or two
the gracefulness only existed in my mind

maybe that was not enough
or so i thought
i put on music
in a hope that something
might awakened my senses
but before it did
the music spluttered and died
and once again
the silence ruled the space
 
a broken puppet i was
a lost puppet without puppeteer
all alone in this dingy room
glory days were over
it's time to accept reality
of manginess and mustiness


 

when i was small

when i was small,
i always wanted to be invisible,
to escape from this world,
or simply just to remain unnoticeable.

i do not want to care
i do not want to be involved
being invisible offers me a cloak
to cover myself from the others
certainly i was a selfish child
but yet i do not inflict harm

and then as time goes on,
i wanted to be able to morph
into someone else,
so that i can manipulate situations
while masking my identity

i wanted to be someone else
so i know how prejudiced people are,
people treat others
based on perception or impression
i was never the favored one
and most of the time i despised those who are

we had our first argument online,
its not the first time,
but it hurts just as bad
i had forgotten how it used to be
before you came to my life
now everything comes back

its deja vu, isnt it
the physical separation
that might lead to eternal one

i'm so scared
i can only hope and pray
please dont let this happen again

sometimes i just wonder
if i wasnt the right one for you
everything about us is so different
sure, opposites attract,
but would they stick after that?

tried as hard i could be
to suit what you want
but i always come back
to my childish conceited self

i=winderful weekend

tasted a macaron,
got a cute round soft toy,
bought the same pair of headphones,
it was one of the best weekeend, if not some of the things

my midterm result for example,
i can deal with that
but as for the events i joined as committee,
it was one of my greatest regrets
they robbed my time and my energy
and even worse, i
quit most of them at the last stages
wasnt really worth it for me
oh well, i know better than to join events next time
i love my peaceful life
when i first came here
sigh :(