it's nearly one year. i guess all have to settle down some time or another. there's no turning back from now on. it's kind of mixed feelings. funny that when you're wanted, you don't feel like you want the person and when the opposite happens, it's vice versa. stupid brain right? chose this road, got to stay on the road. it's not all that bad. sometimes it hurts there and here but we'll all survive. life goes on. got to admit, you gives the best love, care and attention one could ask for. for me, at least, so far. sometimes i wish a truck would hit me and i would get amnesia and live for the time being. meaning, selective amnesia, i would like to keep all my intellectual stuff and forgot other troubled memories.

i realised this blog is like nearly all about you, with exceptions to the earlier entries. a space for me to pour out emotional stuff. maybe when one day i finally forget everything, these entries will stop. you gave me too much to yearn for. i yearn for close relationship which you cant provide so that's where we are right now. it's for the best, i always feel you deserve better than just an attention seeking girl.

it's christmas time. it's one year already, more or less. it's hard to forget all. i wanted to ask, are you back here? but i dare not have the courage.

i have to admit, i kinda miss you at times, though i dont give much thought about it, just when i'm alone, the thoughts would flow back like torrents. oh why.

what do i do?

for a fleeting thought, i thought of packing my bag and going back to my ex. but i cant imagine breaking up with my current one. what do i do?

half a year

it's been half a year now. sometimes i still wonder if i made the right choice. sometimes i wonder what would  happen if the other way had happened.

here i am

here i am again. in the middle of the waking night. it's been over a month now. i am so afraid to indulge into this feeling of loss. my brain refuses to let me think about it, the defensive system kicks in quite effectively enough. life's been good for me, it always does. and when it offers something good, i just dont know how to appreciate it.

silence. i dont know how's life treating you. i heard you are back to the path of God. that's good to hear, at the very least, i am returning you to your God, really, sometimes that's how i feel. i am sorry not being able to walk with you to the path of God. He sure has better plans for you.

How are you? it's a rhetorical question. you dropped me a message, from there i know you are still mad. how could i move on so easily, you might wonder. i guess i am born this way. despite that, the pieces are still haunting me, every bit of the memories floating everywhere i went. i have wasted two years of your life, i could never return it back, it's a debt to you i have to carry, an unrepayable debt. please forgive me. 

"people treat you so good, why you duwan him...."

i was asked this question countless of times, be it friends or family, and even myself. why, i often wonder. different mood gives me different answer. sometimes, i just want a new experience with somebody i like. else, i am bored with long distance relationship. but most of the time, i think it's because i entered into this relationship with the thinking that being loved is better than to love. love isnt equal i know, but in this case, it's too unequal. the love he has for me is overbearing compared to what i can give. i thought love can be cultured, but then again, love can diminish too, at a faster rate.

the time for me to give my final answer is getting nearer. once decided, i could never turn back, maybe i will never meet a guy like him anymore. logic thinking, i would regret my decision to break up ever. i would never have to worry about family, financial or love security if i go back to him. it is like all nicely arranged. but then again, i wanted to experience something new, something that i want. as i grow old, i would come to regret my decision, or maybe i will be thankful, i cant know for sure. in any way, i hope i can make the best out of the situation.

i am one hell of a stubborn girl. 

i threw away my true love to pursuit a short meaningless fun. some days i thought about it, some days i don't. often, i try not to regret my decision. but when i'm not most aware, the sharp pang of longing struck my heart. why did i kick him out of my heart? he was unaware of my turmoil. it's so unfair to him. i didnt even give him a chance to repair the gap between us. i had walked too far from the boundaries that separate us. i fell into the charms of another man easily. once i wandered off, it's hard to turn back. i decided to let go of the past. looking back, sometimes, i want to go back. but it's not possible. i hurted him too much. i hurt everyone in the process. i put my selfish want ahead of everything else. i want to enjoy the short fun, it's too hard to stop now. but sometimes, i wish i didnt do it, i wish i didnt stray at the first place. day by day gone without you by me, the hole that i had not noticed before gets bigger and bigger. i dont know how you felt, it must had felt thousand times worse. but you'll cope, i know, somehow you will. i wish that if fate puts us together again, you can accept me. but the words you utter to me last, that we will never be together again, brings me back crushing to reality. if only i stay strong enough at the first place.