heart

because i love you, i let you go
because i love you, i step aside
because i love you, i cry alone
because i love you, i gave you my heart

the aftermath

yesterday you said you wanted a separate life,
i asked if that means you want a break up,
you said yeah, it will be better for both of us.

at that moment, i froze in the mid air,
refusing to believe that this was the guy i loved so much
refusing to accept the fact that you wanted to break up
everything else doesnt matter anymore

tears came rolling down, i was delusional,
depressed and hurt
dont you know that i cried so frequently every night
thinking of you
i think i'm having a depression
dont you just care anymore?

ironically enough, i enjoyed reading
your yesterday's messages compared to the others
that was the most heart to heart conversation
i ever have with you since we got separated
by distance
and now, looks like you separated yourself
from me altogether

the thought of suicide came back haunting me
i never got out from my depression i suppose
why must you do this to me?
you know i was not a very strong person
i break down easily
i got upset, i got mad,
but most of all, i got hurt

because of you, i got a depression
if my depression got worse due to no treatment
it would be because of you my dear

another emotional wreck
that's what i turned into
i feel more and more abandoned each day
the relationship i have does not bring
any meaning to me.
with a maximum of 5 messages per day,
maximum of 1 call per 2 weeks
how can i call that a relationship?

too little communications
too shallow conversations
what has drifted us apart?

i do not feel happy at all
he pushes me out of his life
yet i cant bear to be apart from him
at his mercy i beg
please pay attention to me
but again i was ignored

what am i to you?

i continue talking to a wall
continue to message him
i tried not to care anymore
but deep inside me,
there's a tiny flicker of hope
that he will reply me
like how he used to
where we so close
even at the distance

it felt just like a dream
everytime i thought of our memories
when we enjoy each other's presence
when we hiked up the hill
when we took a walk at the garden
when we eat at sushi bar
when we met at your house
there is so much to cherish
have you forgotten them all?

you said you like my smile the most
but i havent been smiling for a long time
tears roll down whenever i thought of you
will you ever make me smile again dear?

my relationship is in rocks :(
we are drifting apart
further and further from each other

some part of me wanted to let it go
but the other part wanted all those happy memories
to happen again in the near future

i just couldnt forget how nice he can be
compared to now, he's nothing more than an answering machine

so often his messages to me consist of one word
yea, okay, orgh....
when my messages is one page long

so often i checked his status in facebook
to be disappointed that he replied other's status
and not mine a bit

so often i tried calling him
but he's always seem to be busy
that i feel bad for taking his time

so often i wanted to be comforted by him
to be reassured that everything's fine
but somehow i feel abandoned

sometimes you are just so insensitive,
i wonder if you really care about me
do you care to know how frustrated i felt?
when you did not reply my messages
when you did not pick up my calls?

i really want back our old times
when we were so close to each other
where nothing else matters
if you are just beside me
memories by memories
i wonder if you still remember them?

i looked at my own picture,
imagining if i'm dead,
would anybody looked at the same picture as detailed as me?

caressing my cold face,
silver pearls dropping to my cheeks,
missing my smile and laughter
would they do that to me?

how does a suicide teenager felt?
lying in her own coffin
looking at those people come and go
more than often those who shook their heads
whispering what a tradegy
she's been so young
full of promises
why did she take her own life?

would she have been regretted her decision?
her decision that makes her cut the contact
with people around her?

lying in the coffin,
maybe she did felt a pang in her heart
maybe she longed for those warmness
maybe she didnt like the coldness surrounding her
maybe she didnt want people crying around her

she wanted to get up
and console her close ones
but, rules of death held her back
closing her eyes in the soothing mantra
is all she could do
in hope for a better life next time