"people treat you so good, why you duwan him...."

i was asked this question countless of times, be it friends or family, and even myself. why, i often wonder. different mood gives me different answer. sometimes, i just want a new experience with somebody i like. else, i am bored with long distance relationship. but most of the time, i think it's because i entered into this relationship with the thinking that being loved is better than to love. love isnt equal i know, but in this case, it's too unequal. the love he has for me is overbearing compared to what i can give. i thought love can be cultured, but then again, love can diminish too, at a faster rate.

the time for me to give my final answer is getting nearer. once decided, i could never turn back, maybe i will never meet a guy like him anymore. logic thinking, i would regret my decision to break up ever. i would never have to worry about family, financial or love security if i go back to him. it is like all nicely arranged. but then again, i wanted to experience something new, something that i want. as i grow old, i would come to regret my decision, or maybe i will be thankful, i cant know for sure. in any way, i hope i can make the best out of the situation.

i am one hell of a stubborn girl. 

i threw away my true love to pursuit a short meaningless fun. some days i thought about it, some days i don't. often, i try not to regret my decision. but when i'm not most aware, the sharp pang of longing struck my heart. why did i kick him out of my heart? he was unaware of my turmoil. it's so unfair to him. i didnt even give him a chance to repair the gap between us. i had walked too far from the boundaries that separate us. i fell into the charms of another man easily. once i wandered off, it's hard to turn back. i decided to let go of the past. looking back, sometimes, i want to go back. but it's not possible. i hurted him too much. i hurt everyone in the process. i put my selfish want ahead of everything else. i want to enjoy the short fun, it's too hard to stop now. but sometimes, i wish i didnt do it, i wish i didnt stray at the first place. day by day gone without you by me, the hole that i had not noticed before gets bigger and bigger. i dont know how you felt, it must had felt thousand times worse. but you'll cope, i know, somehow you will. i wish that if fate puts us together again, you can accept me. but the words you utter to me last, that we will never be together again, brings me back crushing to reality. if only i stay strong enough at the first place.