another emotional wreck
that's what i turned into
i feel more and more abandoned each day
the relationship i have does not bring
any meaning to me.
with a maximum of 5 messages per day,
maximum of 1 call per 2 weeks
how can i call that a relationship?

too little communications
too shallow conversations
what has drifted us apart?

i do not feel happy at all
he pushes me out of his life
yet i cant bear to be apart from him
at his mercy i beg
please pay attention to me
but again i was ignored

what am i to you?

i continue talking to a wall
continue to message him
i tried not to care anymore
but deep inside me,
there's a tiny flicker of hope
that he will reply me
like how he used to
where we so close
even at the distance

it felt just like a dream
everytime i thought of our memories
when we enjoy each other's presence
when we hiked up the hill
when we took a walk at the garden
when we eat at sushi bar
when we met at your house
there is so much to cherish
have you forgotten them all?

you said you like my smile the most
but i havent been smiling for a long time
tears roll down whenever i thought of you
will you ever make me smile again dear?

my relationship is in rocks :(
we are drifting apart
further and further from each other

some part of me wanted to let it go
but the other part wanted all those happy memories
to happen again in the near future

i just couldnt forget how nice he can be
compared to now, he's nothing more than an answering machine

so often his messages to me consist of one word
yea, okay, orgh....
when my messages is one page long

so often i checked his status in facebook
to be disappointed that he replied other's status
and not mine a bit

so often i tried calling him
but he's always seem to be busy
that i feel bad for taking his time

so often i wanted to be comforted by him
to be reassured that everything's fine
but somehow i feel abandoned

sometimes you are just so insensitive,
i wonder if you really care about me
do you care to know how frustrated i felt?
when you did not reply my messages
when you did not pick up my calls?

i really want back our old times
when we were so close to each other
where nothing else matters
if you are just beside me
memories by memories
i wonder if you still remember them?

i looked at my own picture,
imagining if i'm dead,
would anybody looked at the same picture as detailed as me?

caressing my cold face,
silver pearls dropping to my cheeks,
missing my smile and laughter
would they do that to me?

how does a suicide teenager felt?
lying in her own coffin
looking at those people come and go
more than often those who shook their heads
whispering what a tradegy
she's been so young
full of promises
why did she take her own life?

would she have been regretted her decision?
her decision that makes her cut the contact
with people around her?

lying in the coffin,
maybe she did felt a pang in her heart
maybe she longed for those warmness
maybe she didnt like the coldness surrounding her
maybe she didnt want people crying around her

she wanted to get up
and console her close ones
but, rules of death held her back
closing her eyes in the soothing mantra
is all she could do
in hope for a better life next time

alone

face the fact: i always have different ideas with my mom

we fought in msn, it's actually cold war so now i'm not contacting her
that basically leaves me alone here, just like anak derhaka
i was just trying to introduce the idea of a boyfriend but like usual,
her mind closed up, bla bla bla

alone
it's nothing new
i have always been alone
although not physically but mentally
i never share things or problems with my family
cox i know they can never accept my ideas

brought up with a steel grit
i never really open up to my family
doing so would means giving them space to condemn me
maybe they din realise that i'm just
another teenager exploring new horizon

looking at people who call so often to their family,
i wonder what they have to talk about
everytime i try to talk to my mom,
there are always things that she needs to "advise"
in the end, i got fed up and slowly i close up
and i learnt to keep my mouth shut

Missing You

melancholy feels within me.
you rarely call nowadays
we seldom message each other
there are times i felt ignored
you were just so busy

i'd give my all
to have just one moment with you
i'd risk my life
to feel you next to me
cox i cant go on
living in doubt
whether am i still in your heart

it doesnt feel real anymore
those times we spent together
where we hug and touch
laugh and smile together
all seems like a dream now

maybe you didnt realise
how lonely am i here
sometimes it just feels so good
to cry alone in the room
but what i want more is a
shoulder to cry on

crying alone at night
has become a norm for me
sometimes i wonder why those tears fall
had i lost my mind?